1
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,814
You were great, Al.
2
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,549
Leave me alone.
3
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,484
Oh, come on, Al.
4
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:26,687
You know, I really believe that if
you practiced once in a while...
5
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,857
...You could actually get good at sex.
6
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:34,528
And, honey, you don't have
to hit your head.
7
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,398
It's the one part I enjoy, Peg.
8
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:41,602
It keeps my mind off what the rest
of my body is going through.
9
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:45,406
Yeah, well, take it from me.
It's not going through much.
10
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:48,442
Why did I ever agree
to this Tuesday night sex?
11
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,745
And that's it for
Monday Night Football .
12
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:01,889
It isn't Tuesday, Peg.
13
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,558
You've done a bad thing.
You must be punished.
14
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:10,564
Oh, Al, I just wanted it to be closer
to your shower night.
15
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:16,504
Pretty brazen when you're
all satisfied, aren't you?
16
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:21,108
Just because I scream
does not mean I'm satisfied.
17
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:25,145
I was screaming because my hair
was caught in your watch.
18
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,582
I didn't wake you, did I?
19
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,151
You haven't yet.
20
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:42,229
Oh, I just had sex. Steve,
what do you want?
21
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,199
Look, I think I'm in trouble, Al.
I need help.
22
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:46,600
See, I was out walking alone.
23
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,503
I couldn't face being around people,
so I came here.
24
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:55,209
- Al, just let me start at the beginning.
- All right.
25
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,244
I went to work today.
26
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,179
Feeling good, feeling spry.
27
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,782
The bank was crowded,
so I sent a teller on a break.
28
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,984
I was on top of the world.
29
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,587
Then I found this on my desk.
30
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,624
"Tuna. Three for $1.49."
31
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,395
Well, it happens. Get on with
the rest of your life, Steve.
32
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:16,263
Turn it over, Al.
33
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:19,700
Oh, "Minoxidil. Hope for the hairless."
What?
34
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:23,370
You know what this is? This is the stuff
they give guys who are going bald.
35
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,905
- What?
- Going bald.
36
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,876
- Why would somebody give that to me?
- I don't know. Let me see your head.
37
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,545
Wait, you see something?
38
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,781
My reflection.
39
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,385
- All right, then it's true. It's starting.
- Well, that's like saying...
40
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,421
...Bette Davis is just starting.
41
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,424
- You saw this and didn't tell me?
- I saw it and didn't care.
42
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,960
You're awfully cavalier about this,
you know.
43
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,829
Old Man Time's been doing
a little mowing on your head too.
44
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,864
- I know.
- You know?
45
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,233
Sure, you've seen my wife,
my house, my kids.
46
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,035
I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen off.
47
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:58,939
How can you accept this?
48
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:03,277
If all our hair falls off, our wives
won't want us anymore.
49
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,813
Well, there you go.
50
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:07,648
Look on the bright side.
51
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,751
I happen to love my wife, Al.
52
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,653
Oh, God, what am I gonna tell Marcie?
53
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,989
What if she leaves me, who will have me?
54
00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:18,292
Have you ever seen a bald guy flirt?
It's pathetic.
55
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:22,262
Come on, Steve. There's plenty
of popular bald guys out there.
56
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:23,797
Name one.
57
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,633
Mussolini.
58
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,534
Khrushchev.
59
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,837
Lex Luthor.
60
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,907
- You forgot the Elephant Man.
- The Elephant Man.
61
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:37,277
Cool guys, one and all, Al.
62
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,346
God, how am I gonna hide this from Marcie?
63
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,315
She's bound to look at my head
sooner or later.
64
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:43,450
Draw her attention away from it.
65
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:47,488
Paint a picture on your bald spot.
Learn to throw your voice.
66
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,358
Sure, joke if you will.
67
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,093
But I love my hair.
68
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:57,598
Al, my mother saved the curls
from my first haircut.
69
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,601
Where are they, now that I need them?
70
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:01,935
Well, I will tell you this:
71
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:05,039
I'm gonna fight this with every follicle
in my being.
72
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:08,609
If you bend over, you can signal
the troops.
73
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,894
A sea breeze.
74
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,097
Oh, hello.
75
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:32,599
I see you're not fat
and don't have an attitude...
76
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,868
...So you can't be looking for me...
77
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,870
...But how can I help you?
78
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,074
We just came in to see if we could
get some change.
79
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,810
Many places have a rule
that you have to buy something.
80
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,446
Well, that's just for the homely.
81
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:50,017
Say, didn't you used to play football
for the Bears?
82
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,952
Me? Well, uh...
83
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:54,121
...Yeah.
84
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:58,859
I knew it. You just have those rugged
good looks of an athlete in his prime.
85
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:02,629
Yeah. Yeah, it never goes away, does it?
86
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,598
If it wasn't for this darned bum knee...
87
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:08,335
...I'd still be on those Wheaties boxes,
like you remember me.
88
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:11,405
But let me get you your change.
89
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,408
Damn this leg.
90
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,677
You've seen that guy play football?
91
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:20,614
No, I've just got a soft spot in my heart
for guys who are losing their hair.
92
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:23,851
Would you ever sleep with a bald guy?
93
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,487
Oh, God, no.
94
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,025
- Here you go.
- Thanks, handsome.
95
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,994
Yeah, right.
96
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,977
Mecca is that way, Al.
97
00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:51,845
Hey, how you doing, Steve?
98
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,547
Well, better than last night.
99
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:56,984
I just ran into two girls who thought
I was a football player.
100
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,654
Anyhow, I came down to get some minoxidil...
101
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,623
...But you need a prescription.
102
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,925
All I could get over the counter
was this stuff.
103
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,827
Dr. Fur.
104
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:12,566
Time to feed and seed.
105
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:17,037
- Oh, I can feel it working.
- Smells like dog food.
106
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:21,775
If I thought it would grow hair,
I'd put your socks on my head.
107
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,711
- You want some?
- No.
108
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:45,666
Oh, get away from me, Peg.
It's not Tuesday.
109
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,536
Al. Honey, get up.
110
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,905
Something smells.
111
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:55,909
I think Buck threw up in the house,
but I can't find it.
112
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,712
Oh, well. It'll turn up, or it won't.
113
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:02,115
I wish you took that attitude
on our sex nights.
114
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,852
Well, I'm gonna go finish my nap upstairs.
115
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,620
Get away from me.
116
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:08,689
Leave me alone.
117
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,527
Get off of me!
118
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,530
- Oh, hi, Marce.
- Oh, Peggy.
119
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:19,066
I'm so worried about Steve.
120
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,468
He's acting very strangely.
121
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,237
Last night we had sex...
122
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,273
...And he wore a sombrero.
123
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:32,079
The ribbed kind?
124
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:39,186
On his head, Peggy. It's a hat.
125
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,090
Well, you've gotta put your foot down.
126
00:08:43,257 --> 00:08:46,326
If I didn't, Al would still be wearing
the Walkman.
127
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,929
Well, that's not all.
128
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,967
Steve insists we turn the light off
when we make love.
129
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:58,038
Well, that was one of the few rules
Al and I both agreed to.
130
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,841
Peggy, I'm really worried.
131
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:04,077
Usually on Monday nights,
Steve and I go to see an art film.
132
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:08,815
Instead, he took me to
an Elmer Fudd retrospective.
133
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,652
And all Steve kept saying was:
134
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:13,854
"Isn't he sexy?"
135
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,123
You think he's having an affair?
136
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,026
Oh, don't worry, Marce.
137
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:22,629
Strange behavior in men doesn't
necessarily mean anything.
138
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,731
The smallest things upset them.
139
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,935
You know, their favorite team loses,
the car doesn't start...
140
00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:31,338
...You lose your cigarette in his pudding.
141
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,808
Well, I'm telling you, Steve has
something on his mind.
142
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,877
So, what are you supposed to do about it?
143
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,812
Care?
144
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,682
Come on.
145
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:45,986
He's got a mother. She broke him,
let her fix him.
146
00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:49,556
We have enough trouble keeping
ourselves happy in a marriage.
147
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:53,794
Come on. Let's go shopping and really
give them something to worry about.
148
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,366
Come here. Bring my Dr. Fur back.
149
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,668
Bring the Dr. Fur back here.
150
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,811
Damn dogs followed me home.
151
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,947
Al, I got some bad news.
152
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,916
Dr. Fur has been recalled.
153
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,118
They determined it to be
100 percent dog food.
154
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,620
Oh, Steve!
155
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,356
I paid 20 bucks for that stuff.
156
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,091
So you got taken.
157
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,127
But this stuff is the real thing.
158
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,997
- Insta-Hair?
- You betcha.
159
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,132
You use this slime twice a day...
160
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,235
...And in two weeks, sasquatch city.
161
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,272
Not so fast, Al. This may not work on you.
162
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,375
See, the doctor I got it from in the bar...
163
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,111
...Wouldn't sell it to me
until he tested me first.
164
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,079
- Sit down.
- Did he happen to grab you...
165
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,814
...And tell you to cough?
166
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,019
Do you wanna know if you're
an Insta-Hair candidate?
167
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,420
Go ahead. Give me the test.
168
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,155
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
169
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,324
Okay, here we go.
170
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,860
Good, good.
171
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,294
My head burned too.
172
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:04,431
Good. Just stay there one second, Steve.
173
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:08,869
- I got a little test for you too.
- Al, Al!
174
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,071
Don't you see?
175
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,840
Where there's pain, there's life.
176
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,676
You should know that better than anyone.
177
00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,714
Your follicles are alive.
178
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,883
Bottoms up, Al.
179
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:32,125
Al, you're not supposed to drink it.
It goes on your head.
180
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:37,197
Well, what the hell did you say
"bottoms up" for?
181
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,466
Don't worry!
182
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,071
Don't worry. Let me check something here.
183
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,474
Can you still see me?
184
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,877
Yeah.
185
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,146
Then you're one of the five percent.
186
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,382
Splash some on your head.
187
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,796
I'm gonna part mine, Steve,
what are you gonna do with yours?
188
00:12:10,464 --> 00:12:14,234
I'm gonna grow mine wild,
like a lion's mane.
189
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,871
You know, if we don't grow hair,
I'm gonna kill you.
190
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:21,408
If we don't grow hair, you won't
have to. I'll kill myself.
191
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,791
Hey, guys.
192
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:41,161
- What you doing?
- We're growing hair, Bud.
193
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,131
They're growing hair, Kel.
194
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,801
Why? They're old.
Who looks at them anyway?
195
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,071
Yeah, Dad. I mean, look around you.
196
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,907
If hair got you all this, let it go.
197
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:58,445
Let him laugh, Al. In ten years,
his head'll be as barren as your lawn.
198
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,915
- What do you mean?
- Well, Bud...
199
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,551
...Hair is hereditary. So is hair loss.
200
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,354
So you mean by the time
his skin clears up...
201
00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:09,990
...His hair will be falling out?
202
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:15,495
Oh, Bud, my poor sexless,
hairless brother.
203
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,298
I am so happy for you.
204
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:19,833
Dad.
205
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,503
What did you have me for,
a biological experiment?
206
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,940
I mean, I was just getting used
to being poor and now, this.
207
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,308
Now, easy, Bud.
208
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,544
Stress causes baldness.
209
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,280
Relax. Who cares if you're bald?
210
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:36,917
You can always make money
selling flowers at airports.
211
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,486
I'll lend you one of my dresses.
212
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,855
Yeah, give me the one that says:
213
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:44,124
"Put them here, boys."
214
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:49,930
You know, it's gonna be so much fun
at school with all the kids chanting:
215
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:52,999
"Bud, Bud, head like a spud."
216
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,604
Dad, what am I gonna do?
217
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,340
I mean, am I gonna lose
just a little, like you?
218
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,542
Or am I gonna be like Mr. Rhoades?
219
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,415
Bud, sit down.
220
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:12,886
I hope that when you become a man,
hair won't be important.
221
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,056
That a man won't be judged by
what he looks like on the outside...
222
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:18,391
...But who he is on the inside.
223
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,962
But that's not gonna happen,
so here you go.
224
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:38,011
Oh, hi, Kelly. Sorry I didn't
make you breakfast.
225
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:42,515
I was busy prying off the pillow
that was stuck to Daddy's head.
226
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,451
He's not growing any hair, is he?
227
00:14:44,618 --> 00:14:48,555
No, but a few hundred
came off with the pillow.
228
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,957
You know, it's amazing.
229
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,393
I mean, I saw pictures of Dad
when he was young.
230
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,429
He stood upright. He had hair.
231
00:14:56,596 --> 00:15:00,000
Now look at him.
How's a woman to know?
232
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:05,005
You can't, honey. Basically,
it's a crap shoot.
233
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:10,610
Peg, did you throw out those hairs
I had sitting on the counter?
234
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:16,383
Sometimes, you come up craps.
235
00:15:20,654 --> 00:15:22,722
Bud. Sit down,
I wanna talk to you.
236
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,325
Look, Kel, I don't think
we have much to talk about.
237
00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:28,161
I mean, after you painted my face
on Dad's bowling ball...
238
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,696
...And left it outside my door.
239
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,733
I was cruel, and I want to apologize.
240
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,936
See, you're not losing your hair.
241
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,672
Look.
242
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,313
Dad!
243
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,115
It's starting!
244
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,621
Mom, you don't mind that
I'm playing with Bud, do you?
245
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,291
No. That's why we had him.
246
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,396
Come on, we'll talk about it
on the way to the store.
247
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,066
I have to pick up some more
Dr. Fur for Buck.
248
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:08,368
It's the only thing he'll eat.
249
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:12,005
His coat looks nice too.
250
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,012
Oh, hi, Steve.
251
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,681
Ladies. Is Al home?
252
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,084
Yeah, he's upstairs.
253
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,986
Gee, you look good in a hat, Steve.
254
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,093
Oh, hey, Steve. Stupid hat.
255
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,562
Let me see your head.
256
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:38,298
It's a graveyard. Me?
257
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:40,467
A ghost town.
258
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,036
We have to face it. This stuff
isn't working.
259
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:46,039
It tastes good, but doesn't work.
260
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,442
And we have to learn to live with it.
These are our heads.
261
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,811
Al, I can't bear this burden alone.
262
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,782
Listen. I've heard there's help
available for guys like us.
263
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:57,684
But I need to borrow your shoe store.
264
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,285
For what?
265
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,461
Hi. I'm Murray.
266
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,230
And I'm bald.
267
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,432
- Hi, Murray.
- Hi, guys.
268
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:17,404
We will now bring this meeting
of Bald American Dudes to order.
269
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,839
Can we please bring in
our newest brothers?
270
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,674
Brother Al and Brother Steve.
271
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,117
I don't like this.
272
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,719
It's like the day I got married.
273
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:39,092
Hi, Steve. Hi, Al.
274
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:43,863
Can I please have my blindfold back?
275
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:48,201
Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting
over to Brother Lance.
276
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,505
Hi. I'm Lance.
277
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:55,341
And I'm bald.
278
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,544
No kidding.
279
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,547
I'd like to open this week's meeting
on a sad note.
280
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:04,484
Brother Herbert went to Hawaii
and forgot to pack his hat.
281
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:09,322
A hairy child put a reflector
by his head as he dozed...
282
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:13,393
...And, well, it'll be a long time
before he does his famous...
283
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,563
... "Head in the bowling ball cleaner"
routine again.
284
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:22,669
So I'd like to bring up a motion
that we send him...
285
00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:25,405
...The traditional arrangement
of balloons with ears...
286
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,408
...So he'll think of us. All in favor?
287
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:29,809
Bald.
288
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,312
- Opposed?
- Hair.
289
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:35,215
Motion carries.
290
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:37,450
Which brings me to our thought
for tonight.
291
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,221
Hair. How can we stop it?
292
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:43,122
Now, I admit that at one time...
293
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,924
...Man might have needed hair...
294
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:50,430
...Like in prehistoric times when
very large birds flew overhead...
295
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,499
...And hats hadn't been invented.
296
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,267
But times have changed.
297
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,903
The point is, the bald are more evolved.
298
00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,206
More intelligent, and more sophisticated.
299
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,109
So the next time a hairy child
comes up and says:
300
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,145
"Hey, let me rub your head for luck,"
you just tell that child:
301
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,148
"That's not what your mother rubbed."
302
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,186
So.
303
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,787
Let's share.
304
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,689
Who among us shall be first?
305
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,593
Brother Steve.
306
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:26,199
I'm Steve, and I've been
concealing my problem.
307
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:27,901
- Say it!
- Say it!
308
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,603
My baldness...
309
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,639
...From my wife.
310
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,340
I was ashamed.
311
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:42,815
But you have given me the strength...
312
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,919
...To be proud of my hairline,
no matter where it may wander...
313
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:47,720
...Across my head.
314
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,392
You're the greatest. I love you guys.
315
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,462
Good, Brother Steve. Tell her...
316
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,432
...So she can realize, like thousands
of other women have...
317
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,435
...That bald men are sexier, more virile...
318
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:05,004
...And aerodynamic.
319
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,740
Let's face it. It doesn't get
better than bald.
320
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:12,211
Remember, a bald head says, "Good in bed."
321
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,217
All right, all right.
322
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,186
Brother Al.
323
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,422
Have you been moved to share?
324
00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,860
Oh, sure, I'll share.
325
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:32,532
Let me share this little titbit with you.
326
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,734
You guys are nuts.
327
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,238
Attractive, virile, sexy?
328
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,773
Women want you?
329
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:44,310
For what, to check their makeup?
330
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,614
But you human flashlights...
331
00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:50,316
...Have really helped me.
332
00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:53,019
When I came here tonight,
I thought I was bald.
333
00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:55,788
But looking at you guys,
I've realized two things.
334
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,390
One...
335
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,792
...I really miss shooting pool.
336
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,797
And two, I'm not bald.
337
00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:06,499
Steve's not bald.
338
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:10,536
You guys are bald. Really bald.
339
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:15,041
One hundred-watt, soft white bald.
340
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,810
Let me say one more thing.
341
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,648
If and when I ever do lose my hair,
I still won't be sitting here with you.
342
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:25,852
Because I have something at home
that doesn't care what I look like...
343
00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:27,920
...Accepts me for what I am.
344
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:30,823
And is always there when I need it.
345
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,992
My couch.
346
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:45,004
Steve. Al told me I'd find you here.
347
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,939
What's wrong?
348
00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,709
I was just sitting here...
349
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:52,945
...Trying to decide how to tell you
something terrible.
350
00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:54,714
What is it, Steve?
351
00:21:55,581 --> 00:21:56,983
I'm going bald.
352
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,686
And?
353
00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:03,022
That's it. That's the news.
354
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:04,857
Honey.
355
00:22:05,024 --> 00:22:09,128
I've known that since the day you got
down on your knees to propose.
356
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:15,702
- Then you still think I'm attractive?
- Oh, Steve.
357
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:18,838
Of course I do. Anybody would.
358
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:21,674
Well, somebody doesn't. Look what
somebody put on my desk.
359
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:24,444
- I put that there.
- Why?
360
00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:26,112
Because it was your turn to shop...
361
00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:29,382
...And tuna, three for $1.49,
is a great deal.